feeling unsupported

The quiet loneliness of being the strong one

There is a particular kind of loneliness that does not look like loneliness from the outside. Sometimes, feeling alone does not mean you lack people. It means you are surrounded by people, yet still do not feel truly supported.

You may be surrounded by colleagues, family members, friends, clients, or community members. Your phone is always ringing. Your inbox is full. People trust your judgment, ask for your advice, and look to you when something needs to be solved. You are dependable. You are capable. You are the person others count on.

And yet, somewhere underneath all of that usefulness, you may be wondering: Who do I get to be when I am not solving, organizing, leading, or holding everything together?

That is the conversation behind this month’s episode of Work it, Live it, Own it!: “Everyone Relies on You, But Who Do You Rely On?”

The episode explores the loneliness that can accompany leadership, caregiving, partnership, friendship, family responsibility, and the everyday work of being the person others count on. It is not a judgment against the people you love or work with. It is an honest look at what happens when your role becomes so closely associated with being capable that people forget you need care, too.

When being dependable becomes an identity

Being dependable can be a wonderful superpower. It can help you build trust, lead through uncertainty, and create stability for the people around you. The challenge begins when dependability becomes the only version of you that others get to see.

You become the person who remembers the details, anticipates the needs, absorbs the tension, and steps in before anyone has to ask. At work, you may be the one who can be trusted with the difficult client or complicated project. At home, you may coordinate the appointments, meals, schedules, decisions, and emotional temperature of the household. In your relationships, you may listen carefully to everyone else while keeping your own concerns neatly tucked away.

Over time, this pattern can create an uncomfortable paradox: the more useful you become, the less visible your own needs may be.

Research on leadership offers one window into a much broader human experience. One study reported that 61 percent of chief executives experienced loneliness in their role, while other research has examined how leadership can affect loneliness differently across genders . These findings do not mean that every leader is lonely, and they do not define the experience of every caregiver, partner, friend, or family member. They do remind us, however, that responsibility and connection are not automatically the same thing. The same pattern can appear anywhere one person becomes the dependable center of everyone else’s life.

You can have influence and still feel unsupported. You can have a full calendar and still lack a person you can call when you are the one who does not know what to do next.

The difference between a network and a support system

Many women have extensive networks. They know people. They collaborate, mentor, advise, encourage, and connect others. They may have hundreds of contacts and still struggle to identify one person who knows when they are having a difficult week.

A network often knows what you do. A support system knows how you are doing.

That distinction matters. A network may celebrate your accomplishments, but a support system also makes room for your uncertainty. A network may ask for your insight, but a support system asks what you need. A network may admire your strength, but a support system does not require you to perform strength every time you walk into the room.

This is not about rejecting leadership, becoming less capable, or stepping away from the people you love. It is about allowing your relationships to become more reciprocal. It is about creating room for care to move in both directions.

Why asking for support can feel so uncomfortable

If you are accustomed to handling things yourself, asking for support may feel more vulnerable than it sounds. You may worry that you are inconveniencing someone, appearing unprepared, or changing the role people have come to expect from you.

Sometimes the concern is not, “Will they help me?” It is, “What will they think of me now that they know I need help?”

That question can keep you isolated even when support is available. You may minimize what you are carrying because someone else appears to have more urgent needs. You may wait until you are depleted before speaking. You may offer a long explanation because a simple request feels too exposed.

But support does not have to begin with a dramatic disclosure. It can begin with something honest and manageable:

“I have been carrying more than I have said. I do not need you to solve it, but I would really appreciate a few minutes to talk.”

Or:

“I am usually the person who has a plan, but I do not have one today. Can you sit with me while I think this through?”

The goal is not to hand your entire life to someone else. The goal is to stop pretending that you have no life to carry.

My moment of realizing I had built the wrong kind of community

I share a moment from the episode that continues to stay with me. I was standing in a crowded networking room, surrounded by colleagues and acquaintances. People approached me for advice, ideas, and solutions. They told me how much they admired my drive. I smiled, listened, and responded in the way I had trained myself to respond: by being helpful.

From the outside, I was connected. Inside, I felt completely alone.

That moment helped me see that I had built a network of people who needed me, but I had not intentionally built a community that knew how to support me. I had become very good at being available and very unfamiliar with being held.

That realization was not comfortable, but it was clarifying. It showed me that connection requires more than proximity. It requires honesty, reciprocity, and the willingness to let someone see more than the polished version of our lives.

A gentle practice: the support-circle audit

This week, consider taking a quiet look at your inner circle. You do not need a complicated system or another project to manage. Just ask yourself three questions:

If one person comes to mind, begin there. Share one real thing—not necessarily the hardest thing. You might say, “I have been feeling stretched thin,” or “I realized I have been trying to manage this alone.” Then allow the conversation to unfold without immediately turning it back toward the other person.

Receiving support may feel unfamiliar at first. That does not mean it is wrong. It may simply mean you are practicing a different form of strength.

Empowerment is not isolation

In the PRONE to Power framework, this conversation connects with Empowerment. Empowerment is not the endless extension of your capacity. It is not proving that you can carry more than everyone else. It is the freedom to make choices that honor your humanity, including the choice to ask for help before you reach a breaking point.

You do not have to earn support by becoming indispensable. You do not have to wait until you are in crisis to deserve care. You do not have to make yourself smaller or less capable in order to let someone else contribute.

Your goals and dreams matter. So do your relationships, your health, and your well-being. Work-life integration becomes more sustainable when responsibility is shared and connection is genuine—not when one person quietly becomes the foundation for everyone else.

So, if everyone relies on you, take a moment to ask the question that may change the way you move through this season:

Who do you rely on?

You are allowed to be supported. You are allowed to be known beyond what you accomplish. And you are allowed to move from burnout to brilliance with other people beside you.

Listen to “Everyone Relies on You, But Who Do You Rely On?” on Work it, Live it, Own it! with SaCola Lehr.

References

[1] Loneliness in Leadership: Why Leaders Often Feel Isolated — CMA

[2] Gender-Contingent Effects of Leadership on Loneliness — APA PsycNet

This article is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for mental-health or professional advice.

SaCola Lehr

Work it, Live it, Own it!
From Burnout to Brilliance
Work-life harmony strategist